Friday

Today, was hard. Emotionally. I have been very frustrated with the younger boys. When they are told to clean their rooms, they say they are done.. and I don't remember the last time that when I went to bed it was actually done. I have a hard time going up and down the stairs to check. It makes my pain worse, and I have days that I am soooo exhausted, I have to sit after each thing I do.. shower, lay on the bed... walk down stairs.. sit on the couch... point being, they are taking advantage of my health to get away with disobedience. So today, I decided not to let that go on. My first thought was to go up and check and if it wasn't done, spank them. Every time. no warning, no second chances. If they make me go up the stairs and it isn't clean, they will get spanked. Period. Well, then I thought what if I just take everything out of their rooms except 7 outfits. Including undies and socks and jammies.. and thats it. Clean out their rooms of everything else. I was talking to hubby about it and he said if I did the get everything out thing, he wanted me to make them do it... but that would defeat the whole purpose because I would have to go up and down the stairs to make sure they were packing it all up... So, I decided to go with my original thought and spank. I ended up having to spank both of them a total of 4 times each. Any one that is a mom can understand my frame of mind tonight. stressful day. Physically, I am doing OK. I like days that I am not in so much pain that I can't breathe by the time it is bed time. For obvious reasons. :) I am happy though because I finally got something today that I have wanted for a while. The playroom has been moved upstairs. That means all the mess of the kids will be upstairs.. where I don't have to see it, trip over it... step on it.. try to keep up with it so that if someone knocks on my door I am not embarrassed. This makes me happy. Now I just have to find a TV to put up in the office so we can move all the video games upstairs. Then we will be all set! 8o)  I know one of these days the boys will be gone, and I will have a whole house all to myself to keep however I would like. I am looking forward to that day. I feel like a bad mom for feeling that way, but I just do. I love my kids. A lot! I just know and have always felt, that I am raising men. Trying to teach them to be men of God. Responsible. Caring. Loving. Men. So, I feel like that is my goal.. to get them raised and gone and living their lives.
Thank you God for my kids. Thank you for entrusting me with the care of these boys. Thank you for teaching us how to lovingly train and discipline our  children. Thank you God for the blessing of this house that is roomy enough that we have options of where to put our kids and their stuff.  And my dear Lord God. Thank you for FRIDAY! :D

Thursday

Today has been a better day. I am feeling pretty good. No major pain, just the normal stuff. I didn't take a nap today at all... When things are bad, I will take 2 a day sometimes. I love that today was good though. I sat outside for a total of about 4 hours today while the kids played in the yard in the pool and with the hose. I got to take Asher for his 10 year check up and that was great! He is in the 85% for height and weight. That is quite a change for my little baby. He has always been tall but super skinny. "Super Doc" says he looks great and is super healthy. I praise God that he has given us really great pediatricians since Ethan was a baby.
I started my food diary today for my Dr. I have weighed and measured everything I ate so I can have an accurate calorie count for the day. I ended with 130 calories left. I try to stay between 1000 and 1500 calories. I don't want too many, but I also don't want too little. I guess it is a super fine line. I am eating things I would be eating anyway just measuring it, watching serving sizes and all that. In fact for dinner, I ate twice the amount I would have if I hadn't measured it out. On the other hand, I probably would have had cake or ice cream for dessert after, so I guess I ended up with less calories that way. I don't know what the dr. is wanting to see other than making sure I am not lying about how much I eat. I know it is hard for skinny people to look at a heavy person and believe them that they don't over eat. Ah well, maybe this will show him. Or me. Maybe I do eat  more calories than I think I do... It will be a learning experience either way.
Tomorrow... is Friday! YAY! That means my honey has 1 more day of work then he will be home with us for the weekend! I am sad that we have lost a day of weekend with his new schedule, but I like the hours better because he gets home most nights before I am dead asleep.
Thank you God for a good day. Thank you for the beauty that you created for us to enjoy. Thank you for the warm day and nice breeze. Thank you for my boys that I got to enjoy it with. Thank you for my husband that works so hard for us and loves us so much. Thank you that he loves You more.

Wednesday

Today, was better than yesterday in some ways.  1st. I started my period... Thus marks the end of "hell week" for May. That is the loving name we have given my week of PMS. My mood is in the toilet, my body is a WRECK. When I am at my lowest and worst, you can pretty much bet, I am in hell week. The good news is, I feel better within a few days of starting. The bad news... it is just coming back next month.
I did a better job with my attitude today. I realized that I was being OVER emotional.. my mantra during "that time of the month" is, your hormones during that time isn't an excuse for bad behavior, it is a reason to keep better watch of your behavior! I realized how STUPID it was that I was saying, "sorry I was so testy yesterday... but I started  so I guess we know why now." or... "I am too emotional right now cause I am going to start so I can't handle this." when I was talking to my son Ethan when he was hitting the beginning of puberty and I was talking to him about how his hormones would be out of control and he would notice himself over reacting emotionally to things and he needed to keep a watch on that and learn to control himself. How is that for a double standard for you!?  I am telling my 12 year old to control himself when I at 30 was excusing myself!!! Its like when you are a mom and are yelling at your kids to stop yelling at each other!!! RIDICULOUS!! We have known for years that my hormones have been part of my problem. Thing is, we couldn't figure out what to do about it. I mean, I tried birth control pills to see if by keeping my hormones from changing through the month if that would help... well, I think it kinda did, but when I am on BC I want to kill myself. Literally. I get THAT depressed. So, that was deemed not an option.. I know, strange huh? Well, the other thing that we are SURE is part of the problem is my thyroid. When people hear my symptoms I think almost 100% of them say "how is your thyroid?". The answer is always the same. I think it is bad but the numbers show up within acceptable range *although the very lowest part of it* so the Dr, won't give me meds. That all changed today. YAY GOD!

I went in to my doc today because my knee has been in such bad shape that I can hardly walk on it. I told him, I feel really stupid coming to you and saying "it hurts"..... DUH right?!  But he said it is cartilage and I need to exercise  my legs. Then he mentioned... while looking down and under his breath... that not being so heavy would help get pressure off my knee. To which I responded *ever so lovingly.. HA!* that I would LOVE to loose weight... I mean does he think I am TRYING to be so big?!?!?!.... but that no matter what I do it comes on instead of going off.  So he says... 3 guesses??? any one? anyone??  "How is your thyroid". Ok.... that did it. I said I am going to talk about this as calmly as I am able right now. *while already emotional and having just been called fat* I said... I have thought for years that I need thyroid meds. I have bad thyroid in my family history for several generations and all I have all the symptoms of bad thyroid but because I am "within range" no one---- MEANING HIM----- would put me on meds. So he looked up my last test and said.. oh ya it is like the LOWEST it can be. I said I KNOW he said.. I am comfortable giving you meds for it.... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FINALLY! So first he wants me to write down everything I put in my mouth for the next 3 days then give it to him at church on Sunday. Yes... he is an elder at my church.

Thank you God for today. Thank you for Tom. Thank you for the knowledge you have given him so he can care for me and all his other patients. Thank you for the heart for You that You have given him so he is able to help with spiritual illness and breaks as well as physical. Thank you for again allowing me to go through something hard to bring me to someplace better. I am sorry for not trusting You to be working something great for me and trying to handle it in my way, and getting frustrated. Thank you for my family that I love so much and that take such kind and loving care for me. Thank you for my husband and the loving provider that he is for us. Forgive me for being unfairly unkind to him. Thank you for having me right where I need to be. Please give me the strength and the courage to accept what you have for me in my life and to use it to daily glorify You.

Tuesday

Today, my youngest son turned 10. I officially have no more kids in the double digits. That makes me happy. I want my boys to grow. And as they grow they get smarter and funner and it is just great. This has NOT been a good day. Physically, I have been in so much pain, I am nauseous. I guess the gardening I did yesterday was a bad idea. I enjoyed it, and I wish I could do more... but ah well.  Emotionally,  this has been a hard day too.
You know when you have those days when seems like anything you say/do is just wrong. So you decide to do your work quietly and try not to do more than what you know you need to do... and that is wrong too. That was my day today. Everything I said, I got snapped at. Everything I did, I got told to stop... 
I get frustrated sometimes with that. I know that my family wants to help me especially on days that I don't feel well, but it makes me feel useless and unneeded. I know that our feelings are not always to be trusted. I also know that I need to be thankful that my family loves me and wants to help and take care of me. I am thankful for that. I just wish that I didn't have to have them do that. I am supposed to be taking care of them not the other way around.
I am at the point today that Gavin touching my arm, makes me feel like I have been punched. My skin hurts... My bra strap hurts. Even my hair hurts.
Thank you Lord for today. Thank you for my boys, today especially for my son that turned 10 today. Thank you for my husband that has a heart of care for me. That will do all that he can to keep me from being hurt more than I already do. Thank you for an understanding family that helps me. Thank you for another day of breath and love and care. Thank you for giving me the desire to take care of people even if it isn't your will for me to always be able to.

What do you know.

Well, what do you know. I say I am going to do this, and I did it. Not in a month, or 3. Right now. 
I guess I will get right into it. I am starting this new blog to talk about what is going on in my life day by day. Not all the fun cute stuff that my good buddy Sydni does. Not the fun interesting pictures of my kids... My life just isn't, and right now can't be, that fun. 
Right now, I am in a season of dealing with daily struggles that stem from my diagnosis several years ago of fibromyalgia. Most people don't even know what that is. Some Dr.s still think that it isn't even a real thing. A "trash can" diagnosis that you give when you can't find any other reason for the symptoms that a patient is having. There are so many things that are a part of FM from pain all over the body that varies in every way from place to severity. Another part of it is depression. Sometimes I deal with that well, I can recognize where I am headed, and do whatever I can to stay away from that dark place, and move on. Other times, no matter how much I want to, or how hard I try, that hole sucks me in. And there are times that it is so deep and so dark, I can't see anything else. Those are REALLY bad days. Also a part of this is higher anxiety/inability to deal. Chaos STRESSES ME OUT!!  I can't take all the noise I used to be able to handle, and I can't stand clutter or messes. ask my kids that have to sweep, mop and vacuum daily and wash the bathrooms every day because I can't do it and I can't handle it not being done. Another part of it is sleeplessness/constant exhaustion. I could sleep 0 hours or 12 and I will be just as tired no matter what. 
So these are just a piece of what I experience every day, BESIDES trying to be the best wife I can to my beloved and being a good mom to 3 active growing boys. Including homeschooling them. I also babysit for my 3 year old nephew and a 6 month old baby of a friend. I have 1 more year of babysitting then I am done with that. And that is 1 year TOPS. 
So, get ready for the ride!! But, this is not a free ride. I desire, hope for and expect loving correction and guidance and prayer during this season of my life. Anything anyone feels the Lord is leading them to say, please don't ignore that urging. Whatever God is trying to teach me through this time, I want to learn it. I cherish the words of my friends and loved ones like you wouldn't know. 
Here we go now my peeps!!!  Buckle in, put your seat backs and tray tables to their full and upright position and hang on for the ride of my life!!