Wednesday

Today, was better than yesterday in some ways.  1st. I started my period... Thus marks the end of "hell week" for May. That is the loving name we have given my week of PMS. My mood is in the toilet, my body is a WRECK. When I am at my lowest and worst, you can pretty much bet, I am in hell week. The good news is, I feel better within a few days of starting. The bad news... it is just coming back next month.
I did a better job with my attitude today. I realized that I was being OVER emotional.. my mantra during "that time of the month" is, your hormones during that time isn't an excuse for bad behavior, it is a reason to keep better watch of your behavior! I realized how STUPID it was that I was saying, "sorry I was so testy yesterday... but I started  so I guess we know why now." or... "I am too emotional right now cause I am going to start so I can't handle this." when I was talking to my son Ethan when he was hitting the beginning of puberty and I was talking to him about how his hormones would be out of control and he would notice himself over reacting emotionally to things and he needed to keep a watch on that and learn to control himself. How is that for a double standard for you!?  I am telling my 12 year old to control himself when I at 30 was excusing myself!!! Its like when you are a mom and are yelling at your kids to stop yelling at each other!!! RIDICULOUS!! We have known for years that my hormones have been part of my problem. Thing is, we couldn't figure out what to do about it. I mean, I tried birth control pills to see if by keeping my hormones from changing through the month if that would help... well, I think it kinda did, but when I am on BC I want to kill myself. Literally. I get THAT depressed. So, that was deemed not an option.. I know, strange huh? Well, the other thing that we are SURE is part of the problem is my thyroid. When people hear my symptoms I think almost 100% of them say "how is your thyroid?". The answer is always the same. I think it is bad but the numbers show up within acceptable range *although the very lowest part of it* so the Dr, won't give me meds. That all changed today. YAY GOD!

I went in to my doc today because my knee has been in such bad shape that I can hardly walk on it. I told him, I feel really stupid coming to you and saying "it hurts"..... DUH right?!  But he said it is cartilage and I need to exercise  my legs. Then he mentioned... while looking down and under his breath... that not being so heavy would help get pressure off my knee. To which I responded *ever so lovingly.. HA!* that I would LOVE to loose weight... I mean does he think I am TRYING to be so big?!?!?!.... but that no matter what I do it comes on instead of going off.  So he says... 3 guesses??? any one? anyone??  "How is your thyroid". Ok.... that did it. I said I am going to talk about this as calmly as I am able right now. *while already emotional and having just been called fat* I said... I have thought for years that I need thyroid meds. I have bad thyroid in my family history for several generations and all I have all the symptoms of bad thyroid but because I am "within range" no one---- MEANING HIM----- would put me on meds. So he looked up my last test and said.. oh ya it is like the LOWEST it can be. I said I KNOW he said.. I am comfortable giving you meds for it.... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FINALLY! So first he wants me to write down everything I put in my mouth for the next 3 days then give it to him at church on Sunday. Yes... he is an elder at my church.

Thank you God for today. Thank you for Tom. Thank you for the knowledge you have given him so he can care for me and all his other patients. Thank you for the heart for You that You have given him so he is able to help with spiritual illness and breaks as well as physical. Thank you for again allowing me to go through something hard to bring me to someplace better. I am sorry for not trusting You to be working something great for me and trying to handle it in my way, and getting frustrated. Thank you for my family that I love so much and that take such kind and loving care for me. Thank you for my husband and the loving provider that he is for us. Forgive me for being unfairly unkind to him. Thank you for having me right where I need to be. Please give me the strength and the courage to accept what you have for me in my life and to use it to daily glorify You.