Keeping up.

Well, I know I am not keeping up like I should be with how I am doing. I have wanted to, but I have been really not ok by the evenings. On Tuesday I really over did it cleaning the boys playroom. They had so much JUNK in there it took 3 1/2 hours to get it clean. Then I had to finish my day.. taking care of Gavin and baby Leyton... Making dinner for my kids.. so on and so on.. well, I could hardly breathe by the time I went to bed. Wed. I woke up still in a TON of pain. I had to get up and get things done. I got the rest of the enchilada's done. I got my wonderful uncle from the airport. We went to Walmart. Wow.. ya... I was NOT ok. One of the things that I really try hard to do, is not let people see how much pain I am in. When I am in so much pain that I can't handle it, I stay home and not around other people. Well, I have been in so much pain, my uncle is seeing it, and is really watching out for me. I love him and I really appreciate him but I don't want anyone feeling like their being here is CAUSING my pain. That isn't the case. It is just being up and doing too much.
This morning, I did get to sleep in YAYAYAYAYAY!!! So, I got up about 8:30 and started making breakfast. Praise the Lord, I felt good when I got up today!! No left over pain from yesterday. Such a needed blessing. I made blueberry pancakes, and chocolate chip pancakes and scrambled eggs and bacon and biscuits and gravy. I had it ALMOST done when our Abq. family got here. I was so happy with the timing of it. After breakfast, I washed all the dishes *so we would have some for another meal.* Then I got some time to sit and enjoy my family. Then I had to do all the different busy work that revolves around a wedding and company. Ended the day making wedding favors. That was funner than I thought it would be. How does that saying go? Many hands makes light work.. or something like that. having my 2 sisters in law and a friend and I all working together, made it so great! While we were doing that, the guys were watching Avatar. I had the horrible torture of laying in my bed with Gavin and Caleb (who is the son of a friend of Erin who is here for the wedding) to get Caleb to sleep. That was rough let me tell you!! hahaha So, now, I am drugged... and up 2 and 1/2 hours past my bedtime, and need to be done and go to bed. I will try to keep up better through the weekend!
Thank you God for this day! Thank you for my family being here with me. Thank you for my family period! :D Thank you for the blessing of the food that we have to share with our family while they are here. Thank you for friends that are as close as family that we love and appreciate! Thank you for my sister getting married. Thank you for the man you have brought into her life and ours. Thank you for all your many blessings today and all days!

Let it begin!

"What is beginning?" you might ask. Well, this is WEDDING WEEK!!! My hubby left for OKC yesterday, and I miss him. That is normal. Between today and Wed. I have to get my house SPOTLESS. That... not so normal. I woke up this morning.. feeling BLAH. You know when you get up one day, and you just don't feel... quite right... then the next day you are sick? That is how I felt today. Just ikk. Then, by late this afternoon the pain really started in. I had alot of going today, which is always hard on me. Being out and running from 11 this morning till 4 this afternoon, is WAY too much on a normal day. Today, I had to get home and get my bathroom and bedroom clean. Well, when you have a bathroom that is bigger than some kitchens and you have a bedroom that is the size of a good size living room, that is a BIG job. Especially when said rooms haven't been dusted or vacuumed in a loooooong while.. :D  I got it all done though!!!  Except the vacuuming. My oldest son Ethan, he offered to do it for me in the morning because he knows, I can barley stand right now. My pain is pretty well over the top. I am having pain so bad that it hurts to breath. I hope I am dehydrated cause I don't want to get up to potty!!! I took meds at bedtime and I am praying that they help and I am ok in the morning. I spent this morning in bed till I had to get up to go do the things we had to do. I need to be able to get up and do this week!!! 
Thank you Lord God for my day. Thank you for Loren and her willingness and excitement in helping my son be the best he can be on the essay part of the test. Thank you that we could take her out to show her a small bit of our thanks. Thank you for my boys. Thank you for who they are and who they will become as they continue to grow up. Thank you for Ezekiel. Thank you for the things in him that frustrate me so much! Thank you for his loving caring heart. Thank you for how he wants to do everything for everyone. Thank you that he is learning even if it isn't as fast as I wish. Thank you for your timing in all things! Thank you for whatever you are trying to teach me, or help me grow during this time. Thank you for loving me enough to put me through hard times so that I am a better mom, wife, daughter, and servant to you! Thank you for my house that I get to clean up. Thank you that it is big enough that I can have my family stay here comfortably! Thank you Lord, for loving me!

Sunday

First time in a while that I have actually written about a day... on that day!! YAY ME! Probably because I have my computer in my room and so I can write while I am in bed! Today was an ok day. Besides feeling like I was left out of something that I really wanted to be a part of, and then getting invited but feeling like it was a pitty invite... then getting over it and deciding to just have fun. Church was good! I was teasing hubby because the pastor taught today on husbands loving their wives, and hubby was on his way to OKC!!!  He made it there safe. I really miss him already. I hate when he leaves me, but... I understand that it is necessary sometimes. I am glad that he has a job that he loves and he can go and do something good for his job and have some "away" time and enjoy himself with co workers. I will just miss him alot. Like I always do! I got a little of the cleaning done today that I wanted to do.. A VERY LITTLE. Got my bathroom MOSTLY done before my body said.. ABSOLUTELY NO MORE!!!  Now I just have to finish my bedroom/bathroom and then I am good till Wed. morning when I have to take on the job I am dreading the MOST... cleaning Ez and Ashers rooms.  SCARY!!! Pain wise, I am doing ok. The pain meds that the Dr. called in for me isn't the 200 MG extended release that I have been taking daily. It is 50 MG pills that I can take 1-2 at a time every 4 hours. So I am just taking it as needed and I am happy to know that I really am not needing it as much as I was worried I would. I have been taking them only at night and have only taken 2 one night. That is a GOOD THING! I am still waiting on the Dr. to go talk to the nutritionist so he can give me the info from her and prescribe me some thyroid meds! I am really frustrated at how long it is taking. I understand his reasoning, that he is wanting to give me info from nutritionist and my meds all at the same time... but really... I could be 2 weeks into taking the thyroid meds!!!!  All in God's perfect timing. I have to keep reminding myself of that! All in God's timing! He knows all and knows when the best and perfect time for me to start a new med is. If He knows I need to wait till after the wedding, then praise Him!!  Praise Him either way! :D 
Thank you Lord that you not only know the best for us, but really CARE about the best for your children. Both best things and timing. Thank you Lord for giving me the strength and patience to wait on you and know that in your perfect time all things will be done! Thank you God for the church family we have here. Thank you Lord for the heart of our pastor and his family and for the beautiful daughter that you gave them who is graduating. Thank you Lord for the example of you that she is to the young girls in our fellowship. Thank you Lord for my sister and Josh and their future together. Thank you for all the family that is coming to be with her on her special day. Thank you for this house that we can fit all the people in to. Thank you God for bed time!!

Saturday

Had a pretty good day today. I was pretty lazy. I laid in bed late, didn't get dressed till dinner time. Just hung out with my hubby. He has to leave town tomorrow so I want to spend all the time I can with him. I got dressed at dinner time cause I had a date! Well, 3 of them actually. I love date night! Hubby was busy, so I made these guys come with me!

Hubby was at a bachelor party for our new almost brother in law. that is why he had to be replaced for date night. I am telling you, I can't think of better fill ins though! Now I just have to finish making a cake for church tomorrow and enchiladas for Erin's wedding next week. Then, finally... bed!!!  Then tomorrow, church. And kisses good bye to my baby!! :(

Thank you Lord for a good day. Thank you for time with my  boys. Thank you for a nice restful, peaceful day. Thank you for special time with hubby. Thank you for the things I need to take care of food needs for the next week. Thank you for Saturday!

End of my week

Well, I didn't do a good job with keeping up with my posts the end of this week. I went from a good day Wed, to an emotional mess of an end. Thursday was filled with disobedience, destruction, mess, placing blame. I could go on, but what would be the point. I went to bed feeling like a complete and utter failure as a mom. I sent my younger boys to bed with no dinner. I sent myself to bed early. I think Ethan is the only one that had it all together by the end of Thursday. You know it is a bad day when I call my husband at work and tell him he has to come home and discipline the boys because I don't even want to see them. I was tired emotionally and physically. I was completely beat down. I should have blogged that night because part of the point of this blog is for me to journal my feelings so I can see plainly the ways that I am sinning and the things I need to change. I am trying to be as honest as I can. I know that I really come off as a whiner, but I am really trying to see my wrong attitudes so I can work on them. One really wrong attitude is when I had to go to bed Thursday night constantly chanting.. I love my kids.. I love my kids... I love my kids. One thing that makes me more frustrated than anything else in the whole world is how everyone wants to pass off bad behavior of boys with the "boys will be boys" thing. I don't care if they are girls, or boys, or monkeys! There are right things and wrong things. Just because you give birth to a boy does NOT mean that you should just shrug your shoulders and say mess and mayhem will be my life now. There are rules and no matter what your child is, they have to be followed. Just like I WILL NOT let my kids use the "I am a teenager" excuse to get away with being mouthy, moody, bratty and awful, I will not let them be bad and destructive and awful just because they are boys!!!  I mean, does God give us an "out" to sin... "Thou shalt not... unless you are...." umm no, I don't think so. So why does society even within the Christian realm give those allowances?!  Boys are the greatest as far as I am concerned. They are caring and loving and dependable and helpful and strong and kind and strong and, lots of other things. But, there is a certain amount of  childhood foolishness that, boy or girl, we as parents are going to encounter. I just get so discouraged when it feels like I have been teaching this behavior for their entire lives, why after almost 12 years is it still having to be dealt with like this?!  Human nature. Sin nature. Selfishness. Laziness. Mine as much as theirs. I can't blame my boys when I get frustrated with them and their behavior. I know from watching through the years, when my discipline gets lack, their behavior goes down the toilette. When I decide that I am going to sit here and get mad at them instead of going up and laying down the law, I am "okaying" their bad behavior. So when it gets to the point of out of control, that is because I as a parent am being lazy. I am not loving them the best way that I can. The way that God wants us to love our children. I guess that pretty much sums up my Thursday and Friday. I know that God gives us all things in our lives for our betterment and for His glory. I just wish I was better with the challenges and the pain and the hardship of going through some of those things.
Thank you God for my boys. Thank you for giving me all three of them. Thank you for Ethan that has such a kind heart and a desire to help and care for people. Thank you for his care for me even though that sometimes causes an inappropriate anger and frustration with his brothers. Thank you for my husband that has taught my son to care for me in these ways. Thank you that he is willing to come home from work to help me when I get over the top frustrated with these precious people that you have entrusted to us. Thank you for all the things you teach me even when I am so stubborn in learning that it takes the hard road to get there. Thank you for a reasonably easy week physically so I was better able to emotionally deal. Thank you for loving me even when I don't deal well emotionally or other wise.
To God be the glory for ever and ever. Amen 

Wednesday

Well, I can truly say that today was a better day. FINALLY. Even though I didn't have the pain meds in me, my pain never got as bad as I thought it would. Which is SUCH GREAT NEWS to me!! I was really afraid of how bad I would feel today. I got to spend time with my older sister, which I don't always get to do. I got to go BACK to the mall and buy more clothes. I got 2 pair of capri's for the price of 1. OH how I LOVE coupons and sales!!! :D  The kids all behaved fairly well today. I got the first batch of enchiladas done today. So, that means only 9 more to go. I made 2 loaves of banana bread and several batches of these little small cookies. I got to take a nap. I feel like this was a good day and got alot done and got the rest I needed. 
Thank you God for a good day. Thank you that I got alot done today and thank you for my feeling good today. Thank you for my new pants. That seems like a little thing, but thank you. Thank you for the food that I got to make today, and thank you for the people that it will bless. Thank you for the kids behaving well today. Thank you that I got my meds back, that Tom was able to fix the problem. Thank you for my friends, and my family.

Tuesday

Well, today was another one for the books.Got my pain med refill denied... That doesn't work. So, I will have to ask the dr. why he denied them. Can anyone say "tired of this" ? As far as I am concerned, it can end now. I am tired of going to bed frustrated and in pain. I know I probably shouldn't, but I am in one of my spots where I am feeling kind of hopeless. I know our hope is in the Lord, and I know that he will see us though. I know that He has a plan for me with this. I just have trouble seeing it in times like this. I am not in a bad flair right now, that is a blessing.
I did get to go last night with Erin and her friend to get me a dress for Erin's wedding. That was fun. I did find something nice, and I got a little over 30$ off it. That is always nice. I decided I was not going to look at the price. I was just going to get the outfit I liked. Turns out, I got 10$ off each from a coupon, and I got 50% off one item cause of a sale they were having. I love getting new clothes. What girl doesn't right? :D
Funny for the day. My little Gavin told me "we are in a boat together!" I said, "Where are we going?" And he answered, "To the dollar theater!" I love cruisin' on over to the dollar theater with my nephew.
Thank you God, for this day. Thank you for Tom. Thank you that he loves and serves you. Thank you for bringing him into my life. Thank you for the medical knowledge you have given to him to use to help me. Thank you for this condition for whatever reason you have given it to me. Thank you for new clothes. Thank you for fun times with sisters.

Monday

I got up this morning hoping for a good day, but somehow knowing I was going to need my hubby. I begged and begged him to stay home, but he had too much to do, he didn't feel like he could. So off he went to work, and downhill my day went. Started out with my Dr. denying my request for pain meds. That isn't such a huge deal because they are the meds I just use for flairs so I guess I can deal without that. But, after close of business yesterday he still hadn't sent the prescription or denied my pain drugs that I have to take on a daily basis just to make it through. I hope that he is going to get it done today. I don't know why he wouldn't. But then, I don't know why he denied the other either. I am concerned about him denying my daily pain meds because that is all that keeps me going every day. I take it just to feel "normal". Then, he is supposed to be giving me thyroid meds. We have been super excited since he told me that he was "comfortable giving me a low dose thyroid med" but, that still hasn't happened. I asked him about it in an email and he ignored the question totally. That isn't a good sign if you ask me. I guess if I get denied for my daily pain med, I will have to make an appointment with him and then I will ask him about the other.
The other part of the day that was super hard.. Probably the worst part of all, is that grandma Hammond fell again and seriously broke her leg. She has to have surgery Tuesday to fix the break and replace her knee replacement. I don't really understand that part of it, but I know she is weak and not in the best condition to undergo surgery so, I am worried for her. I HATE not being there with her. I want to be there taking care of her, or helping grandpa or something. I don't like being so far away when stuff like this happens. I know they don't need me. Everyone but me and Shaphan are there, so it isn't like they have NO HELP. I just wish I was there. I am very prideful when it comes to that kind of thing. I know it isn't right and it isn't good. I just want to be there and in the middle of it all. I don't like not knowing what is going on!! The worst part is that I didn't find out from grandpa.. or even Rick. I didn't get a phone call. I didn't get a text.. I found out first through a friend because of her email that she got and then from my sister in law posting it on FB. That is such a slap in the face. I feel forgotten. I feel not needed. Shaphan and I both, neither one of us was told by a beloved family member that was trying to make sure we know what is going on with the family we love. It is very upsetting and I was crying a good part of the night because of it. My pain is pretty bad by bedtime because of the emotional stress of the day. I guess I should get on with the thanks part so I can stop thinking about myself and put things into the proper perspective.

Thank you Lord, for protecting grandma. Thank you for letting us have her for as long as we have. Thank you for Grandpa that has such a good heart and wants to make everyone happy and help everyone feel good and comfortable no matter what the situation. Thank you that my husband has a job. Thank you even on the days that I want him to be here with me, that he has a strong work ethic and knows where his priorities need to lie. Thank you for my dear friend that is willing to let me cry on her shoulder and help me feel better. Thank you for your hand being on when and how all things in my life happen. Thank you that nothing is going to happen that is out of your plan or your timing. Thank you for keeping me ever in your care.

Sunday

Sunday is over. YAY! I feel like getting through today was a big accomplishment. We had Erin and Josh's wedding shower today. I am so blessed to be able to do that. I love hosting parties and having people over. I think that my spiritual gift is hospitality and one of the most frustrating things for me with my "condition" is that I don't have the energy and ability to do it more often. I am always concerned about how it is going to go. Will I have enough food? *I always have too much* Will everyone have a good time? *I have never had anyone not come back* Will people get bored? *No one has told me if they do! hehe* And... Will my body make it through.. So far, I haven't ever escaped to my bed before everyone was gone. I will admit today I spent alot of time in my chair. I love my chair that my family got me!!!  Right now I am in my chair with my soft blanket on me finishing up my things to do for the night so I can go up to bed and be all done. My husband wouldn't let anyone else clean up. He insisted on doing it. I love that man!! For SO MANY reasons.. That is just one. :D
Tomorrow it is back to the "grind". I love my life. The only thing that I wish was different is I wish my hubby didn't have to leave every day to go to work.  I know he has to and I know he does it because he loves us so much. I know he would rather not have to go too. Other than that, my life is perfect. I am so blessed. I have no right to complain about the hard things. I deserve soooooo much worse that the perfection that I have!!!  My God is good.
Thank you God for all your many blessings. Thank you for the opportunity to bless my sister and brother in law in this way. Thank you for the good friends that came to join us in celebrating their marriage. Thank you for getting me through the day. Thank you for my husband and all he does for me all the time. Thank you for the way he has taught my boys to grow into men. Thank you for my boys that want to take care of me. Thank you for you.

Friday

I am so glad that it is finally Friday!!!  Last day of having the extra kids for the week. I love my little babies, but they are tiring sometimes. Littlest man has been grumpy cause he is trying to get teeth, and Gavin.. well, he is just 3. :) Still having some frustrating issues with Ez and it just makes me want to cry. I just don't get it. I don't know what to do I don't know where we go from here. I don't know how to get him to make better choices. I just don't know. At this point, I am just hoping that the next 5-6 years blow by and he can get on with adulthood and we can breath a sigh of relief. Don't get my wrong. I adore all my kids so so much. I am so thankful that God gave them to me. It is just that sometimes I am so tired and frustrated with trying to help him learn to grow up and learn to make good and right decisions. There are times I wish I could reach into his head and tweak it just enough to get him to control himself! It is hard when I am tired, and frustrated, and just need some peace, and then something is brought to my attention, which is good... I need to know what is going on. I just don't know what else to do. Friday was over all a good day. I got all my laundry done and folded and put away.. that is a HUGE accomplishment. Then I went shopping. I know us ladies are supposed to LOVE shopping... and sometimes I do. I love to go to the mall with my boys. I love to buy fun things... but grocery shopping, at the end of the day... isn't always the greatest for me. It was the perfect time to go though.. I didn't have to take the babies, but I could take Ethan to help me. I got right in to a line and was just the next person.. didn't have to wait forever in a long line. However, I am the person that no matter what will ALWAYS choose the wrong lane... So, the people in front of us were done when I got there... no food on the belt... standing at the cashier looked like they were paying. No one said anything to me as I proceeded to unload my cart. Then, about 10 minutes later, the lane next to us was completely open and those people were still standing there. I asked, how much longer are you going to be and all said we don't know... so Ethan and I switched to the next lane over... With 400$ worth of groceries at Sam's Club... that isn't an easy thing to do! And, of course, as soon as I started moving our stuff over, the manager came over and fixed whatever problem had us waiting all that time... Ah well, you win some.... you loose some. Then the boys all unloaded the van and helped me put the groceries all away. Ethan did the dishes for me last night so I could just go collapse. Good day. Glad it is over. Next is the weekend and time with my honey!! yay!!!!
Thank you God for this day! Thank you for my boys. Thank you for the blessing that they are to me 90% of the time. Thank you for the trials that they put me through so it can help me grow and learn and so I can try to help them grow and learn in You. Thank you for Your Word that shows us how to live and what to do and how to train and discipline. Thank you for my honey that loves me so much and helps me so much. Thank you for him enjoying to be with me and the boys. Thank you that he wants so much and such good things for us. Thank you for giving him the desire to work hard and do well for our family. Thank you for blessing him in his career. Thank you for the money we need to do the things we want to be able to do for my sister and her wedding. Thank you for the weekend!

Thursday

Playing catch up again! Sigh. What to say about Thursday. Well, I had a super frustrating day. Cranky babies.... Which isn't fun for anyone.. Then I have been sooo fed up with the shape my house is in, I went manic today. I had Ethan helping me. The younger boys went to the park with Erin and Josh so Ethan and I cleaned the whole downstairs including sweeping/moping/dusting... everything. I worked on my room some and laundry some.. but my body is SCREAMING at me! So, again, my bedroom has to wait. I made lasagna for dinner, then Asher and Ez ended up eating pizza at the park with Josh and Erin so, dinner is ready for Friday night just needs warmed up! That's a plus I guess!
I am getting ready to have a very busy summer. It starts this Sunday with Erin and Josh's wedding shower that I am blessed to get to throw them. Then less than 2 weeks later, family starts coming and then the wedding! Then Ethan starts his classes June 1. Then the kids and I go to Dallas for a week. Then 2 weeks after that, we get to have family reunion with my moms side of the family. They are all coming here which is FABULOUS!! First time since 1996 that all of our family *dad... Sisters... brothers in law.. kids... * will get to be at the reunion! We are really excited about that. Then, in August I am taking a trip to Arizona to spend time with my dear dear friend Heidi. Then we come back here and we are home for a while. shew! I am tired just thinking about it all! Ah well, here we go!
Thank you God for my day! Thank you for giving me the energy spurt that I needed to get the cleaning that so badly needed done, done. Thank you for my son Ethan that is willing, able, and happy to help me with the work I need to get done. Thank you for my sister being willing to take my younger 2 so I can get stuff done with out the extra "help". Thank you God for my younger boys. Thank you for the hearts and abilities you have given them, even if that doesn't include cleanliness. Thank you for my home that I have that I can clean and thank you for it being big enough that I have room to have parties and people over! Thank you for bringing Josh into our family and for us getting to celebrate him and Erin coming together in marriage! Thank you for creating marriage so we can be with our best friends, our other half, our soul mates. Forever. What a blessing. Thank you for the soul mate you created for me. Thank you for the love he has for me and that I have for him. Thank you for the example of a good, loving, Godly marriage that we can show our boys. thank you that Thursday is over and next up, Friday!

Wednesday

Today has been a long day. I started out so tired, I really wanted to just stay in bed. I was wanting to take a nap by 10 in the morning. I really need to clean my room though.. and wash laundry. And I didn't do any of it. I took the kids to the pool and then picked up Ethan and then took a shower and had to change into clothes that I didn't swim in. Then I took Asher to the dentist. Sat there for an hour while he got his teeth filled and one pulled. Then I came home to the 2 little ones and had to make dinner. In all this time, I didn't get to sit or rest once.. well, I did sit at the dentist... but who can relax and be comfy in those lobby chairs?! So, at 6:15 when the last little baby made his way home... I got my special diet dinner ready (cookie jar ice cream with chocolate syrup. what did you think it was?? Veggies?? HA!) Now, I am debating with myself. My neighbor wants me to go over there and watch a movie.. I want to. I really want to.. but, I also just want to go to bed. I don't know what I should do. I think I will go over there.. not cause I think I should... but because it is what I want to do. Prayerfully, I will be done with a movie at 9 and up in my beddy bed!!! :D 
Thank you God for Wednesday. Thank you that it is behind me and I only have 2 more days till the weekend and my honey are here!!!  Thank you God for moving a lady my age across the street so I have a peer who also stays home. Who understands the isolation that it is so easy to feel. Thank you for my boys that take such good care of me and care so much about me! Thank you for the pool near our house where I can take the kids for free. Thank you that I was able to make it through this day no matter what my pain level was like. I praise you this night and all nights.

Tuesday

Here we are, day 7. Today was interesting. First off, my son has registered for his first 2 classes of college. I can't believe I am that old. Ok... now to my day.....
I have been super tired all day. I am getting back to needing at least 1 nap a day. I really don't want to go back there. I am going to try to be up and doing stuff tomorrow. That will show if I am getting into another flair, or if i have just been not doing enough so my body is getting weak from it. I figure, if I get up and do stuff tomorrow, I will either get in pain, and know that I am starting a flair, or I will get some energy back. We will see tomorrow. I don't like doing these kinds of "tests" because I could CAUSE the pain that wouldn't have happened anyway.. but I have to do something and I am WAY behind on my house work. Hopefully tomorrow I will come back with good news of a good day and alot done without a huge set back.
Thank you God for this day. Thank you for my son getting into the classes that he wanted and feels that he is going to enjoy. Thank you for the fact that  I am not in a lot of pain right now. Thank you that I know a course of action to take to try to make myself perk up. Thank you for working your will in my life to make me a better mom, wife, friend and christian. Forgive me for the days I am frustrated or angry. Thank you for your patience with me and your loving kindness daily in my life through my husband and my kids and my pain. Thank you for choosing me to go through this for your purposes to be brought about in my life or the lives of others. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for loving me.

Monday

Well, I was going to do this last night so I could get caught back up instead of writing a day behind, but my computer wouldn't stay on. Kept turning itself off... Hubby figured out the problem, but at that point I was just ready to go to bed.
What can I say about Monday. It was a big day for my son. He got registered for his first college classes. That is more than just big because it is college... it is big because it is the first time he is going to go to school for school. I have taught him for all the rest of his school for his whole life. I had mixed feelings. I am happy for him. This is the beginning of his future.. But I was also nervous for him. Because I took him to the college and dropped him off to take this big test that was going to take up to 5 hours!! Well, believe it or not... that was the easy part of the day. My day Monday was emotional HELL. The counselor guy that we saw that was supposed to be advising Ethan on what classes he should take and how to get started, treated me like I was a lower class person. I have never felt more like I was being looked down on a judged as I did by that man. He was acting like we should already know the answers to the things we were asking him about. Then, the baby that I watch had a blow out poop. Not good timing. Not his fault of course... He is 6 months old, what is he supposed to do about it?? But, bad timing none the less. So I am running him out of the room to get him cleaned up and Ethan and the counselor continued talking. While I was going to the bathroom, all I could think of was.. I didn't bring an extra diaper. I know, how stupid can you get!!! So, I got him all cleaned up and washed up and used paper towels and made a diaper of sorts that was held on by me holding him. I went back into the room that Ethan was in and was cleaning the floor and I could tell that Ethan was totally embarrassed by me. It breaks my heart that a day that should have been all about him and this next phase in his life, started pointing a spotlight on his incompetent mom. Of course, the counselor that was already looking down on me saw no reason to see me as any better than he had previously thought. I was upset and frustrated, Ethan was embarrassed.. and we just needed to leave. But first, we had to see the admissions people. On the way there, the baby puked on me... Here we go again. Now I am pooped and puked and headed BACK to the bathroom with still no way to fix anything. On the way there God was good and provided me with a lady that had a baby.. and an extra diaper. So, we went back in the bathroom. Cleaned up from the throw up and put him in a diaper. Then I went in and waited for Ethan to do the admissions thing and we high tailed it out of there. I spent all afternoon and into the evening trying to figure out what I could have done differently and why I didn't think to bring a diaper or why did I try to "help" when he was talking to different people. I have to start getting used to my position in his life changing. He needs to do more for himself and I have to back off and let him. It isn't that I don't want to let him.. I just forget to let him. I have to get it in my brain that we are in a different place now. Of course, by the time I was done with the 2 little ones and they had gone home. And the 4 extra dogs I had all weekend had gone home. I was in pain, exhausted, and all done. I went in the kitchen, did the dishes and then went to bed. What a day.
Thank you Lord God for Monday. Thank you that I had an opportunity to grow, and learn through the struggles that I encountered. Thank you God that my son is growing in you and in knowledge and in stature. Thank you for the opportunity for him to start in college early so he can get a start in life early. Thank you for guiding us through all of our struggles in the day to day. Thank you for little babies and all the joy they bring. Thank you for happy smiles even during something frustrating. Thank you God for Mondays... and thank you for Mondays that end.

Sunday-Mothers day.

Happy mothers day!!!  I had a really great day!! I was in more pain, but I think I was able to keep it hidden for the most part. I just didn't want the family to worry about me. We went to church where the pastor taught on Ephesians 5:22 on Wives being submissive to their husbands. He swears that wasn't planed, but I am not so sure. :D I have been having a little bit of a struggle at our church lately, feeling like an outsider basically. That has been hard. I have also had some frustrations with the pastor, but hubby says that we need to just hang and pray so that is what we are doing. I would appreciate some prayer in this because I am sure that it is my problem, not any one elses.. It is still hard to deal with though.
My boys got me a new rocker recliner for mothers day! It is extra wide and super soft!  I am soooo comfy! It is nice to finally have somewhere to sit that doesn't hurt me that I can relax in at home, besides my bed. They also let me rest in the afternoon and they took me to IHop for dinner. Breakfast is my favorite meal to eat out.. and we all know that going to IHop for breakfast on a Sunday is going to mean a long wait anyway.. but with it being mothers day to boot.. NOT going to happen. I feel very loved and taken care of. I hope everyone else had a great mothers day too!!!!
Thank you God for choosing to make me a mother. Thank you for the boys you gave me. Thank you for my husband that loves me so much. Thank you for the example of love and care that he is for our boys. Thank you for the boys wanting to take care of me and spoil me!  Thank you for your care of us by give my hubby a good job  so that he can have the money to spoil me every once in a while. Thank you, God for all my friends that are also mothers. Thank you for the way they are training up their children and for the blessing the kids are to them. Thank you for your abundant blessings.

Saturday

I didn't get a chance to post yesterday. It was a super day!!! I felt great most of the day! Just a little tired and weak, but over all, that isn't bad at all!!  I got spoiled for the whole weekend! The boys and I went to a park for an end of year thing for the home school... "school" that Ethan took math at this year. That was nice. The kids got to play with friends and I sat and visited with a friend. It was WAY TOO COLD.. so we had to leave earlier than the kids wanted to, but the cold was getting painful! Then we came home and hubby took  the boys shopping for my mothers day gift and I got to just do whatever I wanted!! So, I did a puzzle for a while and then I laid down for a while. They got me rocker/recliner. I have wanted one for SO LONG!!! I am so comfy! It is GREAT!  Then hubby took me out to dinner at North by Northwest. That is probably my favorite restaurant here in Austin. My favorite thing there... They make a roasted garlic and goat cheese on a crustini bread thing.. OH MAN!!!  That has GOT to be the yummiest thing EVER!!! And the best part is, we both eat it so I don't have to worry about garlic breath kisses!! :D  SCORE!
I have been "doggie sitting" for 4 chihuahua's this weekend. That has been interesting I have had tiny dogs laying on my and following me. Right now, I have a tiny doggie sitting on my chest right in front of my face. It is fun I like these little doggies! Tiny enough to carry in my purse! I think I want one... hubby will not have that though! He will do JUST ABOUT anything for me! :D
Thank you God, for my fabulous day! Thank you for family that cares for me so much! Thank you for my husband that likes to do nice, fun things for me and that loves me enough to say no when he needs to. Thank you for friends that trust me with their doggies to care for them. Please show yourself to them so they can be blessed enough to live for you!!  Thank you for the beauty of our world that you created for us. Thank you for my boys that I can enjoy it with! Thank you!

Friday

Today, was hard. Emotionally. I have been very frustrated with the younger boys. When they are told to clean their rooms, they say they are done.. and I don't remember the last time that when I went to bed it was actually done. I have a hard time going up and down the stairs to check. It makes my pain worse, and I have days that I am soooo exhausted, I have to sit after each thing I do.. shower, lay on the bed... walk down stairs.. sit on the couch... point being, they are taking advantage of my health to get away with disobedience. So today, I decided not to let that go on. My first thought was to go up and check and if it wasn't done, spank them. Every time. no warning, no second chances. If they make me go up the stairs and it isn't clean, they will get spanked. Period. Well, then I thought what if I just take everything out of their rooms except 7 outfits. Including undies and socks and jammies.. and thats it. Clean out their rooms of everything else. I was talking to hubby about it and he said if I did the get everything out thing, he wanted me to make them do it... but that would defeat the whole purpose because I would have to go up and down the stairs to make sure they were packing it all up... So, I decided to go with my original thought and spank. I ended up having to spank both of them a total of 4 times each. Any one that is a mom can understand my frame of mind tonight. stressful day. Physically, I am doing OK. I like days that I am not in so much pain that I can't breathe by the time it is bed time. For obvious reasons. :) I am happy though because I finally got something today that I have wanted for a while. The playroom has been moved upstairs. That means all the mess of the kids will be upstairs.. where I don't have to see it, trip over it... step on it.. try to keep up with it so that if someone knocks on my door I am not embarrassed. This makes me happy. Now I just have to find a TV to put up in the office so we can move all the video games upstairs. Then we will be all set! 8o)  I know one of these days the boys will be gone, and I will have a whole house all to myself to keep however I would like. I am looking forward to that day. I feel like a bad mom for feeling that way, but I just do. I love my kids. A lot! I just know and have always felt, that I am raising men. Trying to teach them to be men of God. Responsible. Caring. Loving. Men. So, I feel like that is my goal.. to get them raised and gone and living their lives.
Thank you God for my kids. Thank you for entrusting me with the care of these boys. Thank you for teaching us how to lovingly train and discipline our  children. Thank you God for the blessing of this house that is roomy enough that we have options of where to put our kids and their stuff.  And my dear Lord God. Thank you for FRIDAY! :D

Thursday

Today has been a better day. I am feeling pretty good. No major pain, just the normal stuff. I didn't take a nap today at all... When things are bad, I will take 2 a day sometimes. I love that today was good though. I sat outside for a total of about 4 hours today while the kids played in the yard in the pool and with the hose. I got to take Asher for his 10 year check up and that was great! He is in the 85% for height and weight. That is quite a change for my little baby. He has always been tall but super skinny. "Super Doc" says he looks great and is super healthy. I praise God that he has given us really great pediatricians since Ethan was a baby.
I started my food diary today for my Dr. I have weighed and measured everything I ate so I can have an accurate calorie count for the day. I ended with 130 calories left. I try to stay between 1000 and 1500 calories. I don't want too many, but I also don't want too little. I guess it is a super fine line. I am eating things I would be eating anyway just measuring it, watching serving sizes and all that. In fact for dinner, I ate twice the amount I would have if I hadn't measured it out. On the other hand, I probably would have had cake or ice cream for dessert after, so I guess I ended up with less calories that way. I don't know what the dr. is wanting to see other than making sure I am not lying about how much I eat. I know it is hard for skinny people to look at a heavy person and believe them that they don't over eat. Ah well, maybe this will show him. Or me. Maybe I do eat  more calories than I think I do... It will be a learning experience either way.
Tomorrow... is Friday! YAY! That means my honey has 1 more day of work then he will be home with us for the weekend! I am sad that we have lost a day of weekend with his new schedule, but I like the hours better because he gets home most nights before I am dead asleep.
Thank you God for a good day. Thank you for the beauty that you created for us to enjoy. Thank you for the warm day and nice breeze. Thank you for my boys that I got to enjoy it with. Thank you for my husband that works so hard for us and loves us so much. Thank you that he loves You more.

Wednesday

Today, was better than yesterday in some ways.  1st. I started my period... Thus marks the end of "hell week" for May. That is the loving name we have given my week of PMS. My mood is in the toilet, my body is a WRECK. When I am at my lowest and worst, you can pretty much bet, I am in hell week. The good news is, I feel better within a few days of starting. The bad news... it is just coming back next month.
I did a better job with my attitude today. I realized that I was being OVER emotional.. my mantra during "that time of the month" is, your hormones during that time isn't an excuse for bad behavior, it is a reason to keep better watch of your behavior! I realized how STUPID it was that I was saying, "sorry I was so testy yesterday... but I started  so I guess we know why now." or... "I am too emotional right now cause I am going to start so I can't handle this." when I was talking to my son Ethan when he was hitting the beginning of puberty and I was talking to him about how his hormones would be out of control and he would notice himself over reacting emotionally to things and he needed to keep a watch on that and learn to control himself. How is that for a double standard for you!?  I am telling my 12 year old to control himself when I at 30 was excusing myself!!! Its like when you are a mom and are yelling at your kids to stop yelling at each other!!! RIDICULOUS!! We have known for years that my hormones have been part of my problem. Thing is, we couldn't figure out what to do about it. I mean, I tried birth control pills to see if by keeping my hormones from changing through the month if that would help... well, I think it kinda did, but when I am on BC I want to kill myself. Literally. I get THAT depressed. So, that was deemed not an option.. I know, strange huh? Well, the other thing that we are SURE is part of the problem is my thyroid. When people hear my symptoms I think almost 100% of them say "how is your thyroid?". The answer is always the same. I think it is bad but the numbers show up within acceptable range *although the very lowest part of it* so the Dr, won't give me meds. That all changed today. YAY GOD!

I went in to my doc today because my knee has been in such bad shape that I can hardly walk on it. I told him, I feel really stupid coming to you and saying "it hurts"..... DUH right?!  But he said it is cartilage and I need to exercise  my legs. Then he mentioned... while looking down and under his breath... that not being so heavy would help get pressure off my knee. To which I responded *ever so lovingly.. HA!* that I would LOVE to loose weight... I mean does he think I am TRYING to be so big?!?!?!.... but that no matter what I do it comes on instead of going off.  So he says... 3 guesses??? any one? anyone??  "How is your thyroid". Ok.... that did it. I said I am going to talk about this as calmly as I am able right now. *while already emotional and having just been called fat* I said... I have thought for years that I need thyroid meds. I have bad thyroid in my family history for several generations and all I have all the symptoms of bad thyroid but because I am "within range" no one---- MEANING HIM----- would put me on meds. So he looked up my last test and said.. oh ya it is like the LOWEST it can be. I said I KNOW he said.. I am comfortable giving you meds for it.... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FINALLY! So first he wants me to write down everything I put in my mouth for the next 3 days then give it to him at church on Sunday. Yes... he is an elder at my church.

Thank you God for today. Thank you for Tom. Thank you for the knowledge you have given him so he can care for me and all his other patients. Thank you for the heart for You that You have given him so he is able to help with spiritual illness and breaks as well as physical. Thank you for again allowing me to go through something hard to bring me to someplace better. I am sorry for not trusting You to be working something great for me and trying to handle it in my way, and getting frustrated. Thank you for my family that I love so much and that take such kind and loving care for me. Thank you for my husband and the loving provider that he is for us. Forgive me for being unfairly unkind to him. Thank you for having me right where I need to be. Please give me the strength and the courage to accept what you have for me in my life and to use it to daily glorify You.

Tuesday

Today, my youngest son turned 10. I officially have no more kids in the double digits. That makes me happy. I want my boys to grow. And as they grow they get smarter and funner and it is just great. This has NOT been a good day. Physically, I have been in so much pain, I am nauseous. I guess the gardening I did yesterday was a bad idea. I enjoyed it, and I wish I could do more... but ah well.  Emotionally,  this has been a hard day too.
You know when you have those days when seems like anything you say/do is just wrong. So you decide to do your work quietly and try not to do more than what you know you need to do... and that is wrong too. That was my day today. Everything I said, I got snapped at. Everything I did, I got told to stop... 
I get frustrated sometimes with that. I know that my family wants to help me especially on days that I don't feel well, but it makes me feel useless and unneeded. I know that our feelings are not always to be trusted. I also know that I need to be thankful that my family loves me and wants to help and take care of me. I am thankful for that. I just wish that I didn't have to have them do that. I am supposed to be taking care of them not the other way around.
I am at the point today that Gavin touching my arm, makes me feel like I have been punched. My skin hurts... My bra strap hurts. Even my hair hurts.
Thank you Lord for today. Thank you for my boys, today especially for my son that turned 10 today. Thank you for my husband that has a heart of care for me. That will do all that he can to keep me from being hurt more than I already do. Thank you for an understanding family that helps me. Thank you for another day of breath and love and care. Thank you for giving me the desire to take care of people even if it isn't your will for me to always be able to.

What do you know.

Well, what do you know. I say I am going to do this, and I did it. Not in a month, or 3. Right now. 
I guess I will get right into it. I am starting this new blog to talk about what is going on in my life day by day. Not all the fun cute stuff that my good buddy Sydni does. Not the fun interesting pictures of my kids... My life just isn't, and right now can't be, that fun. 
Right now, I am in a season of dealing with daily struggles that stem from my diagnosis several years ago of fibromyalgia. Most people don't even know what that is. Some Dr.s still think that it isn't even a real thing. A "trash can" diagnosis that you give when you can't find any other reason for the symptoms that a patient is having. There are so many things that are a part of FM from pain all over the body that varies in every way from place to severity. Another part of it is depression. Sometimes I deal with that well, I can recognize where I am headed, and do whatever I can to stay away from that dark place, and move on. Other times, no matter how much I want to, or how hard I try, that hole sucks me in. And there are times that it is so deep and so dark, I can't see anything else. Those are REALLY bad days. Also a part of this is higher anxiety/inability to deal. Chaos STRESSES ME OUT!!  I can't take all the noise I used to be able to handle, and I can't stand clutter or messes. ask my kids that have to sweep, mop and vacuum daily and wash the bathrooms every day because I can't do it and I can't handle it not being done. Another part of it is sleeplessness/constant exhaustion. I could sleep 0 hours or 12 and I will be just as tired no matter what. 
So these are just a piece of what I experience every day, BESIDES trying to be the best wife I can to my beloved and being a good mom to 3 active growing boys. Including homeschooling them. I also babysit for my 3 year old nephew and a 6 month old baby of a friend. I have 1 more year of babysitting then I am done with that. And that is 1 year TOPS. 
So, get ready for the ride!! But, this is not a free ride. I desire, hope for and expect loving correction and guidance and prayer during this season of my life. Anything anyone feels the Lord is leading them to say, please don't ignore that urging. Whatever God is trying to teach me through this time, I want to learn it. I cherish the words of my friends and loved ones like you wouldn't know. 
Here we go now my peeps!!!  Buckle in, put your seat backs and tray tables to their full and upright position and hang on for the ride of my life!!