Behind

Sorry I have gotten so behind. I am not doing a very good job of the daily thing. I get to the end of my day and all I can think of is the pillow upstairs!!!  This week has been decent. I wish I could say it has been good. My attitude just STINKS!! I can't ever just be happy. I have my list of things that I WANT and I just can't let it go. I mean, Things are GREAT! My body is still holding on.. I have had a couple hard days this week, but have still not taken any pain meds. I did take my sleep pill last night but only because I got a bunch of bug bites and I am allergic and the sleep med has benadryl in it. :D  Every time I turn around there is something else that I just want. I want paint for my walls.. I want a dishwasher. I want my washer and dryer fixed so I don't have to block them closed.. I want a vacuum that works and will keep working for more than 3 months.. I want.. I want I want!!! The biggest thing is.. I want some time with my husband!!! I miss him!! I feel like we haven't spent more than 5 minutes together in a month! Between him being out of town, and sick and the company we had for Erin's wedding, the only time we talk is in passing or when there is something (money) to talk about...
I am starting to feel a little back to my old manic-depressive self which tells me that the anti-d is out of my system for sure now. I go between so high and giddy and silly that I have every one around me in stitches and so deep in a hole that all I want to do is crawl in my bed and cry. I hate that feeling and I would give anything to be normal without meds.. Things that would bother me anyway, seem to bother me so much worse when I am in these modes... Things that shouldn't bother me at all, do... I just need to keep reminding myself that my emotions are over reacting and I just need to calm down. I am going to get up tomorrow and go to church then come home and make my hubby his special fathers day/birthday dinner and we are going to have a great time and I am going to get myself under control.
That is one thing that I have struggled with for years.. when it comes to our emotions.. how much is something we need to do to change and how much is change in us that we need God to make? I don't get it.. I know I need God's help in all that I do.. but I know I have responsibility in it too. I just don't know how/what to do. I want to do what is right for my family which is getting myself under control.. just don't know how. Maybe one of these days God will decide to just set me free of myself.
Thank you God for this week. Thank you for making it exactly what you want it to be. Thank you that it is behind me and over and tomorrow is a new day. Thank you for another opportunity to serve you. Thank you for salvation. Thank you for loving me when I was/am unlovable. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for my home and my family. Thank you for all the things you are teaching me every day through both of these things. Thank you for another week of no need for pain meds. Thank you for helping me loose 7 pounds. Thank you for helping me be who and what you want me to be. Thank you.